We, Roberta and Jard come to you with values that in our case are distinctly spiritual. 
And while this isn’t a religion course but a marriage enhancing program, there is no way we can conceal our faith without compromising our message. Indeed, we cannot ignore our covenant connection with the Lord of the Cosmos. We sincerely believe that God is the source of all love and while love obviously existed for women and men many millennia before Jesus’ great spiritual revelation, Christ’s mission was to most clearly reveal God’s love for humans. His love was our great example; we feel that Jesus’ sacrificial act was the greatest display of love ever revealed by a person. In a very special way it opened the door for God’s love to enter more fully into this world of women and men who carry within their spirits, bodies and minds the capacity for becoming lovers for life. In fact, Jard has been instrumental in developing two programs, one for ministers and another for lay persons that applies practically faith, hope and love in one of the world’s fastest growing Christian denominations. These two programs have been instrumental in helping lead some two million African, Latino, European and Asian men and women into a covenant relationship with the God of the Cosmos. And God alone knows where this shall go in the next decade. Because moving toward spiritual maturity means so much to us, Jard feels that contribution to faith is his most valuable contribution to society. Having said that, we must also tell you that we reject the failures of Christianity, Islam and Judaism that enforce sexist neuroticism, cruel traditions and immature ideologies on their women and then claim their crippling psychopathies are God’s will for everyone.
God wants no such thing — but what really angers us about such reactionary pretension is it’s hypocrisy. As researchers, counselors and teachers, we know all too well that the fundamental power freaks who want to dominate your spirituality have the same sexual yearnings as the rest of us. Need we go beyond Jim Bakker who was long seducing his beautiful young secretary and James Swaggert who paid prostitutes to let him watch them masturbating while he did the same! Consider the heavy penalties some Catholic dioceses are paying because their priests seduced trusting boys and girls. Can anyone really believe that their life-long celibacy had nothing to do with the disasters that followed? Human sexuality is God’s great psychospiritual gift to loving women and men who mature beyond narcissism and selfishness, who open their arms and hearts to each other as lovers for life. Unfortunately, sexuality is also the weapon of choice that is used by twisted and wicked psychopaths who fear and hate all women, especially those they cannot control. Sexuality is completely normal and spiritual and the more some fearful radicals condemn enthusiastic lovemaking, except to produce children for the church, the more good psychotherapists see their wicked defense mechanisms. Many do indeed protest far too much. Of course we believe that God’s ideal is one of commitment and love — reflected by chastity before marriage and monogamy within a permanent relationship. We have found in our research that the greatest problems faced by women and men are caused by the fact we are spiritual beings with a great capacity for love and self-sacrifice, woven into a primitive homosapien nature hobbled with narcissism and also capable of great rage, violence and selfishness. If, as the connectional covenant denominations teach, humans are called by God to serve one another in love, a great many of us fail in our selfish attitudes and choices. The strengths and shortcomings of human love is revealed in our attitudes, expectations, beliefs and choices. Actually there is much more to each person than these bodies that can bring us such enchanting relationships when joined with a lover. Obviously, our bodies are vital to happiness. What we do with them is crucial to our happiness. Read the rest of this entry »
Great that he or she can learn how to live a purposeful life, one leading to happiness and permanence in relationships. No one is doomed to unhappiness in a partnership unless he or she accepts someone’s manipulation of himself. Ridding oneself of misguided symptoms and selfish behavior can help pave the way toward maturity and fulfillment. We, Roberta and Jard — have lived together for almost half a century. We reared three kids and even our grandkids have kids now and we still love each other dearly. We would like to be able to report to you that we had a storybook romance and marriage: We would like to, but alas, we cannot. To start with, Roberta certainly did not get a Prince Charming in Jard. He is a stubborn, willful man who has gone through life doing precisely what he wanted to do. Of course, Roberta wasn’t a Fairy Princess — at times the sparks flew. They still do! But, we started life even, both having naive attitudes about living together. She assumed Jard would be like her father, and he thought Roberta would be like his mother. Don’t all young couples make that mistake? We soon learned how wrong that was but above all we shared a strong religious faith that helped us! At one time we were even like two veteran riflemen in combat. One soldier was from the Louisiana marsh country while the other was from the mountains of Colorado. They had little in common but survival, they didn’t understand each other, and they would not have even known each other but for the fact that they were drafted into the Army at the same time. However, they have saved each other’s life so often that each has forgotten how to survive without the partner. One kicks in the door and the other throws in the grenade. Without a great deal of deliberation! We have even moved past that and now are fairly tolerant and understanding. The repeated grinding of two dominant personalities, although it created friction and sparks on many occasions, has abraded a pretty good fit to our marriage. Sexual pleasure and psychospiritual intimacy are still vital parts of our ivies, and we recommend them highly to everyone (although we realize that sexual satisfaction can exist only as a part of our total relationship). We are fortunate that we have kept our sexual relationship alive and deeply satisfying — despite the myth that sex is for the young. I suppose many in the reactionary church who would limit sex to conception and childbirth consider us a dirty old couple — but you can imagine how little time we spend worrying about their neuroticism! Love is a constant source of rejuvenation for our life together. The ‘SECRETS OF LOVERS ‘ COURSE has many projects and processes for your use. They have proved very valuable for us and for couples in our seminars. In the beginning, using them may make you feel as awkward as giving a speech or singing a solo for the first time. They will become familiar with use, however, and will help you develop a mutually supportive partnership that remains pleasurable and permanent. Use them well to strengthen you mutual concern and self-transcendence; for they are tools with which to build greater understanding. Even if boredom and desperation have set in, these methods have the power to revitalize a relationship and make it worth keeping — even when you are not making love at the time. May God bless your attempts to grow toward happiness and fulfillment, for all of life! Complete the sample Self-Focus exercise shown below. Discuss the answer if you are in a group that is studying this course — or write out your answer if you are studying it alone. Write two or three sentences and then go on. That will help you think situations through for yourself. Sample Self-Focus WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE OUR VICTORIAN ANCESTORS WERE SO DETERMINED TO KEEP WOMEN SUBSERVIENT TO MEN — EVEN TO THOSE WHO WERE ABUSIVE AND SOMETIMES MURDEROUS? WHY DO YOU THINK MANY MEN STILL ASSUME THAT THEY OWN THE WOMEN IN THEIR LIVES — THAT IF THEY CANNOT CONTROL A WOMAN, THEN NO OTHER MAN CAN HAVE HER? SAMPLE PROJECT – Basic Assumptions Discuss with a friend or write a short paragraph or two or three sentences on what the following could mean to you. MEN AND WOMEN REALLY DO NEED EACH OTHER FOR LOVE TO PROSPER. SEXUAL PLEASURE AND SATISFACTION IS A SOUND ASPECT OF LOVE. ONLY BY MATURING TOGETHER CAN LOVE BECOME DEEPLY FULFILLING. We wish you the very best as you make your life meaningful and fill it with love. Roberta and Jard DeVille CONTENT CONTENT CONTENT For The Learner Introduction 1. MEANING LOVERS NEED – 18 A great many women and men feel that life is meaningless, that others are passing them by, because they are living a purposeless and secular life style. In this unit you shall discover the necessity of opening channels of meaning for life to be consistently filled with love. Self-Focus 1 2 3 4 5 Project 1 2 2. FAITH LOVERS SHARE – 36 Faith, hope and love are necessary for a loving relationship to become permanent and deeply satisfying. In this unit you shall learn how to deal with The Atheist’s Enigma, to find satisfaction through a Contrite Spirit and how to live in a state of consistent development. Self-Focus 6 7 8 Project 3 3. CHANGES LOVERS FACE – 44 We live in an age of constant change in which a great many women and men become confused and frightened by having to cope with new situations and relationships. In this unit you will learn how to cope with constant shifts in attitudes, expectations and relationships.
A P Hill contacted gonorrhea as a West Point cadet and suffered with it the rest of his life until he died in his late thirties. In addition, they had no reliable birth control methods so many wives were pregnant almost all the time. Married women were baby making machines and every major religious denomination in England and America in 1900 still insisted that birth control was a sin against God and humanity. They churches confused social traditions with spirituality as they always do. Birth control was forbidden because the society needed a constant flow of strong, young persons to do all the scut work needed to keep life running smoothly. As late as 1900, each childbirth was a trip down into the valley of the shadow of death for every woman. Her possible death was an acceptable trade-off with the need for more workers for the farms and companies of the time. Childbed fever due to contaminated bed clothing was so virulent that most women had their wills written before giving birth. Roberta’s maternal grandfather, an undeniably devout Methodist preacher, had seven children with his first wife before she died at the final birth and then had twelve more kids with his second wife before she also died in childbirth. Women had no rights — they could not refuse their randy husbands access to their bodies even if another pregnancy would kill her. Their marriage dowry was given to their husbands, they could seldom work outside the home and if they did, the law required them to surrender their earnings to their husbands every payday. Actually, they were cattle as Abigail Smith Adams wrote and wrote again to her husband Samuel Adams when he was helping form the United States government. She urged him over and over to give women some civil rights but he was unable to persuade the southern contingent of politicians to treat women fairly and it took more than a hundred years for women to gain the vote and some simple rights to manage their own lives. With disease and death the common outcome of a sexual relationship, and with a complete loss of freedom from entering into a marriage, Roberta says she can certainly understand why Mother Lee founded her Shaker colonies so women could care for themselves — by themselves — and with the celibate companionship of those men who were willing to treat them decently. Of course, Jard also understands why the Shakers prospered during that period and failed when women won some freedoms, learned to plan their babies and could avoid venereal disease through modern medicines. The lives of women became so much better during the 20th century that few needed to abandon marriage and children in order to become real persons. Thus the Shaker colonies vanished as society changed drastically. Men and women who have lovingly committed their lives to each other have every physical, psychological and spiritual reason to develop deeply satisfying sexual relations as a positive aspect of life. Each of us needs a loving soul with whom to share the many responsibilities and rewards of life, to labor with during the day and to fill the nights with the magic of a passion that doesn’t fade but becomes more mature and fulfilling as we enfold one another with kisses and caresses We believe that anyone who teaches otherwise, who wants to limit a couple’s sexuality to conception, whether in the church or out, is emotionally crippled and wants others to suffer with him rather than mature in the physical aspects of love. Fortunately, even a when person has been crippled and confused by religious, parental or cultural myths about the role sexual relationships play in life, human resilience is so
These are attainable ideals that unfortunately, because of narcissism and nihilism, can be crippled enough to destroy relationships. However, since the need for love and intimacy does not end with conflict and unhappiness — even after separation and divorce, most persons with failed marriages usually seek someone new with whom to share romance. We have learned how vital it is to have a loving partner who cares deeply about us; who eagerly and joyfully joins their body, mind and spirit to our own. Unfortunately, some people continue looking for a perfect partner rather than learning how to become a better lover. Nevertheless, most second marriages succeed well enough to be held together. Couples, the second time around, usually have more realistic expectations and attitudes — can abandon the youthful selfishness that comes between themselves and their lovers, and accept the partial loaf of a sound relationship if not a grand romance.. Actually, many marriages fail because the institutions that are supposed to help men and women live together without too much conflict, fail at their tasks. For example, many people tell us that the church must accept a full share of the responsibility for the failure of many relationships. Its emphasis on archaic rules, the condemnation of spontaneous sexuality made possible through birth control, and reluctance to accept lovemaking as a spiritual relationship in and of itself, long after science has separated sex from child bearing, has been crippling to a great many marriages. Too many reactionary clergymen have simply not come to grips with the realities of life and love since neurotic medieval myths and superstitions about sexuality were accepted as basic religious morality. Even today in most reactionary religious denominations, morality is connected almost entirely to sexuality. In much of the right wing church you can engage in virtually any kind of racism or sexism
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Lovers For Lif e 2 For The Learner Some time ago we were leading a seminar for sexually sophisticated, exuberant and articulate young couples from a local church when James, one of the husbands, said: Nancy and I have long since learned how to insert Tab A into Slot B, so we don’t need a sex manual. We know all about adequate foreplay for women, exotic positions, and multiple orgasms. We love our nights of romance but we now must learn how to make our marriage worth keeping together when we are not making love. Emotionally healthy men and women almost always share their lives with lovers whose happiness is crucial to their own fulfillment — even if they failed to understand the reciprocal nature of mutual satisfaction while they were young. In our youthful years we may be so filled with such intense sexual desires that we forget it really does take two to tango successfully for any length of time. If either lover feels deprived, the music soon loses its ability to charm us. As we learn to love a person deeply, we want both to be personally satisfied — while also becoming a pleasing lover. Our sexual pleasure remains second rate unless the lover becomes a full partner in the intimacy. Of course, some neurotic persons use sex in a power play for ego benefits that have little to do with love. We insist — all psychospiritually healthy women and men want to please the sweetheart with whom they share physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. Anything less is selfishness — is prima facia evidence that one is still an emotional adolescent, grasping what he or she can in a short term relationship. Sexual selfishness and the potential for abuse that follows is always the result of one’s serious emotional and spiritual failures. Despite the universal need for loving relationships, one marriage out of two fails, with a major cause of divorce being serious sexual disappointment caused by some form of narcissism — satiation or some kind of neurotic power struggle within the relationship. Many of the marriages which survive are such emotional and sexual disasters that the partners are left with a terrible sense of disappointment about the entire affair. Actually, comparatively few men and women actually remain lovers for life with the joy that a sound relationship guarantees. It is obvious that many couples have not mastered the attitudes, activities and relationships needed to make love permanent. We, Roberta and Jard, realize that we have done pretty well — we are still sharing our love for one other and enjoying our erotic intimacy after half a century of love and marriage. We have thought much about all this and have come to the delightful conclusion — We are not yet through! Despite all odds and some glaring mistakes along the way, we have managed to remain lovers because we understand some key factors about relationships: